Tag Archives: Life

Getting By.

Lately, I have felt an underlying dissatisfaction with everything I’ve done. I don’t feel like anything I do is good enough. I don’t know who I’m aiming to please if I’m honest. I want to please myself, but I don’t know what I want.

University is still a bit of a struggle. I’ve had to do a lot of work in the last few days, and I have an exam on Monday. I can’t imagine it will go too well.

I’m still bored. I have enjoyed going to the cinema on my own if I’m honest, there’s something peaceful about it. Sad, like a spinster, but peaceful nonetheless.

NaNoWriMo was a disaster, but I did change my plan of what I was going to do. I haven’t started Plan B yet. I have been thinking about it, but lately I’ve had no time to do anything. And we all know that if I had the time, I wouldn’t do it anyway. The thought of sitting in silence watching television repeats on this squeaky spinning chair suddenly seems very appealing when I have the spare time. I think the attempt at writing my novel has shaken my writing confidence. I thought I’d be good at it, but wowzas I was poor. So, when I restart, it will be nice and small.

I’m getting by with life, but I don’t feel particularly satisfied. I need a spark to reignite my passion for something. Anything at all. Something new, or something old. Something will come along eventually, something productive I hope. I will let you know if it does.

I will start posting blog posts of some value at some point, but today is not the day. Neither is tomorrow.


Down In The Dumps

Squidward’s face is how my insides feel.

I’m not sure if this phrase (in the blog post title) is used by all who speak English, so I’ll explain it. It means I’m feeling down/in a bad place. Melancholic.

For a start, I know I can’t complete NaNo, but I’ve still got more written than when the month started. However, I’ve already picked flaws in what I’ve written, so nearly all of it will need to change. I thought I had planned out my chapters well, but my chapters are really short and that is also very annoying. It will come on the second draft, but I also have an inability to describe scene/character clothing. If I didn’t tell you it was a fantasy, you’d probably assume one of my characters was on the run in modern day. The only ‘dating’ thing used is a flint spear.

But my writing pursuits aren’t why I’m down in the metaphorical dump, it is still university life. I’m not liking my own head anymore, two and a bit months of my own head is too much. Also, I’m still bored, and I feel less enthusiastic about my course everyday. I’ve just got back from the library after three hours of revision for my exam today, which will no doubt go poorly.

My mood has been frustrating me, as I only pick out bad things in things, like why am I used the word ‘things’ all the time?! Everything annoys me. Plus, it dawned on me today that everything living you touch dies… eventually. That’s a bit poop, innit?

Maybe I’m just on my male time of the month, that’s lasting more than a month. It sums it up when my favourite parts of university have been 130 miles away at home, watching the TV.

Oh, and also, I’ve been ill this last couple of days. That has been getting right on my moobs.

My blog is my release at the moment, so expect more posts like this. I have a day off tomorrow, I think I might go to a museum, and then I might go to the cinema to see Philomena, Jackass, Gravity or Thor (even though I thought the first one was boring and eventless, and I didn’t particularly love the Avengers. Plus, it completely negated the ending of the first Thor film. I can pick a hundred holes in that film). I want to see Dom Hemmingway, but that is out here on Friday. And then, at the end of it all, maybe I will get some more writing done.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

University is a struggle…

I guess the title says it all really – I have found university to be a struggle, a constant uphill battle against losing my sanity.

At first, I just missed home. I like where I’m from, despite the lack of things to do, but I liked doing nothing.

Then, I felt lonely. I’ve had a lot of me time at university, too much me time. I love my own company, but there’s a point where I become insufferable to myself.

Next, it was shear boredom. Again, I love watching TV and going on my computer and playing on my playstation, but I don’t like them being the only things I do. I could have done productive activities in this time, but you know, laziness. I’d rather sit in complete silence, in complete blackness for hours on end than do something productive for an hour. I’m definitely not a ‘doer’…

I don’t really miss home anymore. I love Liverpool. I’ve been home a few times now, and I’m used to being away from my family, so that is less of a challenge. I don’t really feel lonely anymore, I’ve come to terms with my near hermit lifestyle. Even the boredom has become near routine, and I find it less boring. Somehow.

Now, the struggle is university itself. I don’t enjoy it. Only one out of five modules interests me even remotely. It feels like a chore, but less of a chore than school was. It’s like being told to tidy your room. I don’t really want to do it, but I do it anyway. I don’t enjoy lectures, I much prefer classroom teaching. It doesn’t help that 90% of the lecture content is dull, but some of the lecturers seem to share my enthusiasm of what they teach. I like the debate style of teaching, talking about the subject. Not sitting in silence, under dim lighting, ┬áreading a powerpoint, making notes (doodles), and then typing it up after. If I make notes on slides, I miss what the lecturer says (and the slides often change too fast). If I write down what the lecturer says, I won’t have written what was on the slides, and those notes will be meaningless without the context of the information on the powerpoint slides. Sigh. And don’t get me started on Scientific Journals. Holy moly. The less said about them the better, I’m bored just thinking about them. People who can read them with enjoyment are truly blessed.

I think if I could do the whole ‘going to university’ thing again, I’d have done a different course in Media. I think that’s more me, and I’d enjoy it more as it’s not just about remembering facts, it’s more creative. I’m just rubbish at science, I winged it at GCSE and did well, I winged it at AS Level and did alright, and then worked harder at A Level, and did poor. A U (equivalent to an F for American readers I think, it means ungraded. An exam paper so poor it didn’t even merit a grade…) in my final Physical Education exam should have showed where I’m at to be honest. I’ve always been naturally smart, not a genius, but I’ve always known stuff. When the content was easy (Pre-A Levels), I knew the stuff as it was nice and simple. But now it is more complex, I just can’t do it. I can’t remember the stuff. All the names of the muscles, the bodily processes. I just can’t remember them, no matter how many times I read my notes. I’m struggling to recall things I’ve learned. Why shoes have big heals was the first thing we were told, so I remember that, and I understood the stuff about proprioception due to me reading about it a couple of years ago to argue that there are more than five senses. Other than that…

It upsets me that I’m not enjoying it. My parents were so excited for me to go to university, and I feel like I’m letting them down. They always say stuff when the football is on, about how that’ll be me, and how proud they’ll be. I think that’s what is keeping me going, the fear of letting them down, as they are the two people I respect and value most in the world, and they’ve made sacrifices financially so I could get here (they could probably own a yacht if I wasn’t such a drain on funds haha!). But realistically, will I get the ‘dream’ job I’m here for? On a course of forty, last year four people got the internships which are considered near crucial to getting into the line of work I’m interested in.

I don’t even know if this career sector is what I want anymore, maybe it is just because university is getting me down.

I’m sure I’ll be fine, I’ll be perked up by the end of today. Maybe I’m just cranky because I’ve been a awake for 20 hours and had no sleep, due to noise. Christ, I’m such a shit student.

I’ll update you as my non-existent bipolar disorder causes another shift in my life view, which will be somewhere on the scale of ‘In Tears At Everything’ ————- ‘Euphoric’. Hopefully the latter.

Only 3 hours, 19 minutes until I plan on going to the library. The times between 2 and 6 a.m. shouldn’t exist. Today will be a long day…