I guess the title says it all really – I have found university to be a struggle, a constant uphill battle against losing my sanity.
At first, I just missed home. I like where I’m from, despite the lack of things to do, but I liked doing nothing.
Then, I felt lonely. I’ve had a lot of me time at university, too much me time. I love my own company, but there’s a point where I become insufferable to myself.
Next, it was shear boredom. Again, I love watching TV and going on my computer and playing on my playstation, but I don’t like them being the only things I do. I could have done productive activities in this time, but you know, laziness. I’d rather sit in complete silence, in complete blackness for hours on end than do something productive for an hour. I’m definitely not a ‘doer’…
I don’t really miss home anymore. I love Liverpool. I’ve been home a few times now, and I’m used to being away from my family, so that is less of a challenge. I don’t really feel lonely anymore, I’ve come to terms with my near hermit lifestyle. Even the boredom has become near routine, and I find it less boring. Somehow.
Now, the struggle is university itself. I don’t enjoy it. Only one out of five modules interests me even remotely. It feels like a chore, but less of a chore than school was. It’s like being told to tidy your room. I don’t really want to do it, but I do it anyway. I don’t enjoy lectures, I much prefer classroom teaching. It doesn’t help that 90% of the lecture content is dull, but some of the lecturers seem to share my enthusiasm of what they teach. I like the debate style of teaching, talking about the subject. Not sitting in silence, under dim lighting, reading a powerpoint, making notes (doodles), and then typing it up after. If I make notes on slides, I miss what the lecturer says (and the slides often change too fast). If I write down what the lecturer says, I won’t have written what was on the slides, and those notes will be meaningless without the context of the information on the powerpoint slides. Sigh. And don’t get me started on Scientific Journals. Holy moly. The less said about them the better, I’m bored just thinking about them. People who can read them with enjoyment are truly blessed.
I think if I could do the whole ‘going to university’ thing again, I’d have done a different course in Media. I think that’s more me, and I’d enjoy it more as it’s not just about remembering facts, it’s more creative. I’m just rubbish at science, I winged it at GCSE and did well, I winged it at AS Level and did alright, and then worked harder at A Level, and did poor. A U (equivalent to an F for American readers I think, it means ungraded. An exam paper so poor it didn’t even merit a grade…) in my final Physical Education exam should have showed where I’m at to be honest. I’ve always been naturally smart, not a genius, but I’ve always known stuff. When the content was easy (Pre-A Levels), I knew the stuff as it was nice and simple. But now it is more complex, I just can’t do it. I can’t remember the stuff. All the names of the muscles, the bodily processes. I just can’t remember them, no matter how many times I read my notes. I’m struggling to recall things I’ve learned. Why shoes have big heals was the first thing we were told, so I remember that, and I understood the stuff about proprioception due to me reading about it a couple of years ago to argue that there are more than five senses. Other than that…
It upsets me that I’m not enjoying it. My parents were so excited for me to go to university, and I feel like I’m letting them down. They always say stuff when the football is on, about how that’ll be me, and how proud they’ll be. I think that’s what is keeping me going, the fear of letting them down, as they are the two people I respect and value most in the world, and they’ve made sacrifices financially so I could get here (they could probably own a yacht if I wasn’t such a drain on funds haha!). But realistically, will I get the ‘dream’ job I’m here for? On a course of forty, last year four people got the internships which are considered near crucial to getting into the line of work I’m interested in.
I don’t even know if this career sector is what I want anymore, maybe it is just because university is getting me down.
I’m sure I’ll be fine, I’ll be perked up by the end of today. Maybe I’m just cranky because I’ve been a awake for 20 hours and had no sleep, due to noise. Christ, I’m such a shit student.
I’ll update you as my non-existent bipolar disorder causes another shift in my life view, which will be somewhere on the scale of ‘In Tears At Everything’ ————- ‘Euphoric’. Hopefully the latter.
Only 3 hours, 19 minutes until I plan on going to the library. The times between 2 and 6 a.m. shouldn’t exist. Today will be a long day…